“You’re such a burden to your parents. You can’t even do anything with your life. You won’t ever drive. You’ll have to depend on someone else for the rest of your life, do you really want that?”
Ten years ago, these were the lies the devil had permeated throughout my mind every day I would wake up.
I’m just going to be honest with you— in 2009 I was having seizures and I just had figured out I’d never be able to drive. Plus I thought I wasn’t smart so I was cheating in school, and that caused me to lie to my parents a lot. I was not happy with my life at all, so much so that I wanted to die. Obviously I wasn’t thinking about my family and how it would devastate them. I was thinking about me and the way I wanted life to be—a life without dystonia. I remember I tried slitting my right wrist once with a credit card. Because I lied again and my parents found out. And when they found out I was suicidal and had those thoughts it scared them. I’ve seen my dad cry before, but I’ll never forget how emotional my parents both were and they lovingly embraced me and helped me. I remember I had to earn their trust again. I also couldn’t stay by myself for awhile. One thing is for certain I wouldn’t be here without my loving parents and their prayers and God’s Grace in my life.
When I look back at that time I see a girl who hardly had one friend. I see a girl who was questioning if God really truly loved her. I believed at the time, that I had failed Him and my parents so much. I questioned how God could love a cheater with suicidal thoughts?
Elijah wanted to die but God got ahold of him and snapped him out of self pity. The Lord still wanted to use Elijah’s life just like He wants to use my life and your life.
After I confessed my sins to God and my parents, I remember a lot of nights crying and listening to my favorite Southern Gospel songs by Legacy Five and Greater Vision and other groups. Did the thoughts ever go away? Eventually! They didn’t go away overnight. The things I filled my mind with had to change. Now every morning I get up I put on some music and that’s how I start my day. I also listen to my Bible and a podcast or two each day.
This statement still trips me up sometimes, “You’re such a burden to your parents.” I know, it’s a LIE from the devil. When that lie comes creeping back in my life there are certain songs I listen to over and over again. Like “Over and Over,” “Big Enough,” and “Everything I Need” to name a few.
Philippians 4:8 says,
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
I always have to align my thoughts to this verse and when I actually think about what I’m thinking, I then recognize I need to change the way I’m thinking.
If you have ever struggled with suicidal thoughts I’d recommend you talking to someone and getting help. Because YOUR life matters whether you’re a tween, teenager, or older.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well