“You’re such a burden to your parents. You can’t even do anything with your life. You won’t ever drive. You’ll have to depend on someone else for the rest of your life, do you really want that?”
Ten years ago, these were the lies the devil had permeated throughout my mind every day I would wake up.
I’m just going to be honest with you— in 2009 I was having seizures and I just had figured out I’d never be able to drive. Plus I thought I wasn’t smart so I was cheating in school, and that caused me to lie to my parents a lot. I was not happy with my life at all, so much so that I wanted to die. Obviously I wasn’t thinking about my family and how it would devastate them. I was thinking about me and the way I wanted life to be—a life without dystonia. I remember I tried slitting my right wrist once with a credit card. Because I lied again and my parents found out. And when they found out I was suicidal and had those thoughts it scared them. I’ve seen my dad cry before, but I’ll never forget how emotional my parents both were and they lovingly embraced me and helped me. I remember I had to earn their trust again. I also couldn’t stay by myself for awhile. One thing is for certain I wouldn’t be here without my loving parents and their prayers and God’s Grace in my life.
When I look back at that time I see a girl who hardly had one friend. I see a girl who was questioning if God really truly loved her. I believed at the time, that I had failed Him and my parents so much. I questioned how God could love a cheater with suicidal thoughts?
Elijah wanted to die but God got ahold of him and snapped him out of self pity. The Lord still wanted to use Elijah’s life just like He wants to use my life and your life.
After I confessed my sins to God and my parents, I remember a lot of nights crying and listening to my favorite Southern Gospel songs by Legacy Five and Greater Vision and other groups. Did the thoughts ever go away? Eventually! They didn’t go away overnight. The things I filled my mind with had to change. Now every morning I get up I put on some music and that’s how I start my day. I also listen to my Bible and a podcast or two each day.
This statement still trips me up sometimes, “You’re such a burden to your parents.” I know, it’s a LIE from the devil. When that lie comes creeping back in my life there are certain songs I listen to over and over again. Like “Over and Over,” “Big Enough,” and “Everything I Need” to name a few.
Philippians 4:8 says,
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
I always have to align my thoughts to this verse and when I actually think about what I’m thinking, I then recognize I need to change the way I’m thinking.
If you have ever struggled with suicidal thoughts I’d recommend you talking to someone and getting help. Because YOUR life matters whether you’re a tween, teenager, or older.
Psalm 139:14
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well
Abiding With Joy Studio 
This is absolutely beautiful and such an encouragement for anyone who has ever struggled with depression! Thank you for sharing your heart Abbie ❤
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Thank you for having the courage to share this. Sometimes we embrace the image of how things should be – or how people expect us to be – rather than the reality of what is. Being honest about our struggles is not only therapeutic for us, but it is helpful to others who are struggling in the shadows. I’m praying for you, my friend, and my life has been impacted by yours!
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Oh Abbey!! Sharing about such a difficult time in your life cannot be easy. Thanks for using that to encourage your readers. You are totally precious!! Your example of letting the Word and good music guide your thoughts is wonderful. Thank you!!❤️
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Hey Abs, thanks for sharing with us openly and honestly about the tough times and what and how the Lord used to get you through. Every life is precious and purposeful for the Lord, even if we don’t think so ourselves. Hang in there, you are an Inspiration to many!
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Thank you for sharing this. What an excellent tool you have given by allowing your precious life to be shared with others. No doubt there is someone needing to hear this right now. God bless you!
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I love you. This is a wake-up call for me. We can never know what is going on in the hearts of those we love very much. It is such a huge thing to use the hardest times in our lives to help shine the light of God’s love and mercy. Thank you for shining that light!
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Thank you for sharing your story. When we bare our soul, the transparency is something God uses so often to help others to see how God can be our strength and our healing. I struggled with suicidal thoughts several years ago….after my healing God led me to work for a faith based crisis chat line and now has led me to starting the blog ministry and why I chose “Healing in Heart” for the name. We all go through the process of healing, over and over in different seasons in our life.
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Thank you Abby once again you’ve been such an encouragement to me, you know that the bondage of many different circumstances, whether they be physical, emotional, spiritual , financial or otherwise can send a persons life into a tailspin of suicidal thoughts. In my case it was addiction, and for 32years I was caught in the grip of its choking and consuming trap!
In some ways I have always felt encased in a body that would not allow me to enjoy some of the freedoms in life that other people enjoyed. At eight years old, weighing in at 160 pounds the doctors prescribed amphetamines for me in an attempt to control my weight. I do believe that was the beginning of the end for me. All my years of addiction have been tied to my inability to control and manage my weight, despite diets, excercise, surgery and so on. On November 3, 1993 I had come to the end of my rope and what the devil was telling me was so similar to your thoughts, all I could hear was, “you are sucking somebody else’s air, you’re worthless, you’ve never been a good mother, wife, daughter, friend. Why don’t you just put an end to it right now, and go out in a blaze of glory, yes Debbie, just shoot up a lethal dose of that methamphetamine and go into cardiac arrest.” I had my divine appointment that night, I drop to my knees and beggged God to take me out of that hole of despair, he met me as I kneeled next to a toilet in a filthy dirty bathroom stall in a bar. I share your hope! I think that’s why I think of us as kindred spirits! LOVE YOU ABBY!
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Way to be a voice!!… Glad you made i through… Keep fighting and overcoming… Here for you if ever need encouragement and support… http://www.suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com
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