I’ve been getting Christian-based life coaching for about 3 months now. We meet on Zoom once a week. My coach has been helping me transform my thinking. She reveals to me how I’m thinking by the conversations we have. Last week, I asked the question, “Why do I keep blaming everything that’s difficult on dystonia?”
I realize now that I’ve been blaming the difficult things in my life on dystonia. Here are a few of the things I blame on dystonia: being single, not being invited to an activity, not going to church on Wednesday nights when I’m tight, and avoiding writing and painting when I’m tight. I’ve learned I have been using default phrases like: dystonia is a gift, I’m not a victim of dystonia, and dystonia is a privilege. These are all things I’ve wanted to believe but deep down I don’t believe them. I think I’ve accepted dystonia to a point but I haven’t accepted it for better or worse. It’s been my constant companion; it’s with me year after year. I blame it for the way my life is going. Like I’ve said in the past, “My life would be much easier if I didn’t have dystonia.” Or “I would have gone to college if I didn’t have dystonia.” Or “I would finish my book faster if I didn’t have dystonia.” Blame, blame, blame—it’s a hard habit to break.
I brought up the topic of dystonia and why I keep blaming it because of the Joni and Friends Ministry Podcast episode titled, “Living Joyfully with Dystonia—Abigail Brown.” I remember seeing it that Thursday and having a bad taste in my mouth because I knew it wasn’t true in my eyes. After a week of pretending to be OK with it, I was open to talking about it, knowing I struggle constantly living with dystonia day after day after day.
My coach and I came up with a plan. Going forward, the plan is that in 10 years or less I want to believe, “I’m joyfully living with dystonia.” And in 5 years or less I want to believe, “I’m alright living with dystonia.” But today I’m just focusing on protecting this seedling of a thought—the fact is, “I’m living with dystonia.” The key word in that sentence is “living” not “dystonia.” I’m living! I’m a Child of God, daughter, sister, aunt, artist, writer, communicator, friend, church member, etc. It just happens to be with dystonia. I’m thankful I am living, but right now I can’t say I’m thankful for dystonia. Just telling myself I live with dystonia brings up a lot of emotions that I’m going to work through on my own. The fact is dystonia isn’t going away anytime soon. I also know I wouldn’t be where I am without the Lord’s allowing dystonia in my life. I know He has a purpose for me even though I struggle with trusting Him and His Timing. But I’m so thankful when I’m weak (and I’m very weak right now and broken over this realization) He is Strong. He will give me the grace and strength to sustain each day.
What about you? Is there something in our life you’ve been blaming? Recognizing it is easy. Breaking the habit is another story. What are you going to decide to focus on today?